by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 14, 2026 | Connection
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4xaHkAQ
And finally this week, what does it mean to be sexually available to your spouse? I want to start with what it DOES NOT mean.
Being sexually available does not mean you always say yes to sex. Neither does it mean you do everything your spouse wants to do. And it certainly does not mean you sacrifice your sexual wants, needs, or enjoyment for your spouse’s.
If you don’t think you can have regular sex without doing one or more of the things on the does-not-mean list, you and/or you and your spouse need to get help.
What does it mean to be sexually available to your spouse? In simple terms, it means you are able to connect on a sexual level. And just as making an emotional connection on occasion is not enough, only making a sexual connection on occasion is not enough. Doing it well means being able to be there when your spouse most needs it.
Another way to say this is that sexual availability means being able to share your sexual self with your spouse and engage with them as they share their sexual self with you.
One of the prerequisites for sexual availability is being in touch with your own sexuality. You can’t share what you don’t feel, and you can’t receive from your spouse if you are closed to your own sexuality. If this is you, it may take some time and effort to change. Get help if necessary.
Empathy certainly helps, as it can tell you when you should reach out. But being willing is huge, and with practice you will build empathy. Learn the signs they need sex. Not want it, need it. And while what they feel may not be connected to reality, they still feel it, and you need to validate that.
As a starting place, ask your spouse daily how they feel sexually. Ask how much they thought about sex and how strongly they feel like having sex. Also realise that if you haven’t been sexually available, your spouse may flood you at first as they make up not having what they need. Give them time to normalise.
BTW, if much of this seemed familiar, it’s very similar to what I said on Wednesday about being emotionally available. The two really are very much alike.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Your Spouse Well is Doing Marriage Well.
The turkeys bedding down for the night
Instinct tells them being up is safe. They ignore the lower roost with cover even in rain, cold, and snow.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 13, 2026 | Connection
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4wscwdX
If emotional and sexual connection are so important in marriage, why is it so common for one or both to be limited or missing in marriages? If your spouse isn’t giving you one of these in the way you need, there is a reason. “They don’t care” is not usually the reason. And while selfishness is probably at play, it’s not usually the primary reason. As I run through various reasons, ask yourself if each exists in your spouse’s life. If you identify the reason and deal with it, change becomes possible.
If you have realised you are shorting your spouse sexually or emotionally, ask yourself if any of what follows is true for you. If so, you probably need to deal with that to be able to make a change on what you are shorting your spouse.
Not Knowing: It’s difficult to think someone would have no idea sexual and emotional connections are important in marriage. However, it is common to think one of them is far less important than it is. Often this is because the person who feels that way has little use for the thing. While feeling that way is valid, it doesn’t mean the person doesn’t need it. God created us to need and desire these things. If the need and desire are lacking for either, the individual may need professional help.
Bad Teaching: If you were raised being told emotions are silly or sex is bad, you won’t want to engage in that thing. Maybe you know what you were taught is wrong, but it’s still in your head and messes with you.
Fear: If there was sexual abuse in someone’s past, being sexual may scare them. Perhaps they can manage it when things are going well, but during difficult times they can’t. This also tends to become a bigger issue over time. Emotional harm in the past can cause the same thing for being able to connect emotionally.
Feeling Unable: A person can understand the need for these forms of connection, but feel unable to do one. I discussed this yesterday for emotional connection, and sexual connection is similar. We don’t enjoy doing things we feel we do poorly.
Retribution: Often we limit or withhold one of the connections because our spouse limits or withholds the other. However, this is not always done intentionally. A lack of emotional connection makes it difficult for a woman to be sexual, and a lack of sexual connection makes it difficult for a man to connect emotionally. This can become a vicious spiral.
Too Busy: Most folks are doing way too much. That can leave a person without the time or energy to engage in emotional or sexual connection as much as they should.
Selfishness: This is usually a secondary factor, adding to one of the others. However, any of the other reasons can become justification for being selfish. Love puts the other ahead of self, especially for strong needs.
If you can identify an issue, work at it. If you can’t get any traction, seek help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires connection.
The sun through smoke
No fires near enough for concern, but the smoke has been bad.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 12, 2026 | Connection
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4z9gqec
What does it mean to be emotionally available to your spouse? It’s a vital part of a healthy, happy marriage, but it’s not talked about much. It’s sort of assumed everyone understands what it is and how to do it, but that’s not the case. If you grew up in a family that was not emotionally available, you didn’t experience it and were not taught how to do it.
If there was abuse or addiction in your family of origin, there probably wasn’t much, if any, emotional availability. But families without these issues can also have low emotional availability. Maybe your parents didn’t learn it when they were growing up. Maybe struggling to make ends meet, being in a bad marriage, or being a single parent left little time or energy to be emotionally available.
Another problem is men who were taught, or learned, that emotions are weak, silly, or not to be trusted. This is not a biblical view, and science shows it hurts us and those close to us.
In simple terms, being emotionally available means you are able to connect on an emotional level. And just as having sex once in a great while is not enough, only making an emotional connection on occasion is not enough. Doing it well means being able to be there when your spouse most needs emotional connection. That will usually be when they have experienced strong emotions or someone they care about is dealing with strong emotions.
Another definition that may make more sense for some is that emotional availability means being able to share your internal world with your spouse, and engage with them as they share their internal world with you.
One of the prerequisites for emotional availability is being in touch with your own emotions. You can’t share what you don’t feel, and you can’t receive from your spouse if you are closed to your own emotions. If this is you, it may take some time and effort to change. Get help if necessary.
Being able to share your internal self does not mean dumping on your spouse. Furthermore, you need to be able to do it without getting upset or withdrawing immediately afterwards. Connecting emotionally is not a momentary thing; it’s a way of life.
Empathy certainly helps, as it can tell you when you need to reach out. But being willing is huge, and with practice you will build empathy. Learn to listen more than you talk. And while what your spouse feels may not be connected to reality, they still feel it, and you need to validate that.
As a starting place, ask your spouse daily how they feel. Ask about the high and low points of their day. Give them time to think and share. And be ready to share about your feelings. Don’t try to fit this into a few minutes. Allow half an hour. Also realise that if you haven’t been emotionally available, your spouse may flood you at first as they make up not having what they need. Give them time to normalise.
~ This is Paul, and real men are not afraid of their wife’s tears!
This is how you know Widget had fun outside.
She is good about letting us clean her off.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 11, 2026 | Connection
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3SruXRZ
Yesterday I suggested the need for emotional connection and sexual connection are very similar, and limiting either is like limiting the other. I also suggested what makes it difficult for many to accept this is what it would mean for them if they did.
The man who feels he’s not getting enough sex is angry, and he feels justified being angry. He tells himself he would never deny his wife sex, because he loves her and would never hurt her in that way. And odds are he would not do that. But what if he is doing something every bit as painful to her by not being there for her emotionally?
How many wives are doing the reverse? They would never dream of hurting their husband by not being there for him emotionally, but they don’t see only having sex a few times a month as being in any way similar?
We make our hurts big and downplay other people’s pain. We want to pin our pain on what others do and don’t do but dodge responsibility for how our actions and inactions hurt others. We do this because of cognitive dissonance, the mental discomfort we feel when our actions don’t match our beliefs. Telling ourselves that emotional and sexual connections are two different things protects us from facing the reality that we are doing the same thing to our spouse that we are upset they are doing to us.
My goal is to make it impossible for you to keep telling yourself that lie. I realise that is a horrible thing to do to you. It’s going to hurt, and it’s going to force you to make some difficult decisions. But if you accept this truth, it could be the start of some significant changes in your marriage.
Not sure? Ask God to deal with this in your heart and mind. Ask Him to make it real to you if it’s true. I dare you.
The exception: if your marriage is in a bad place, such as an addiction, adultery, neglect or ongoing anger, you will need to deal with those things before you deal with connection issues.
Tomorrow I will take a stab at explaining what it means to be emotionally available.
~ This is Paul, and the dog in the image gets it.
When we planted this tree a few years ago, it was less than a foot tall.
Now it’s over eight feet! It’s a tamarack, one of the few deciduous conifers.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 10, 2026 | Connection
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Ss2ETr
Sometimes when I look at a marriage, I see a man who is either emotionally unavailable or not as emotionally available as his wife needs him to be. I also sometimes see a woman who is either sexually unavailable or not as sexually available as her husband needs her to be. And yes, both happen with the sexes reversed.
I’d like to suggest that these two things are very similar in many ways. Among other things, that means if you have ever been hurt by one of these, you can understand how your spouse feels if you are doing the other to them. I realise that’s a scary concept, because if you accept it, then you either have to deal with the ramifications of that or accept you are failing your spouse. This could cause you to reject the premise out of hand. Please try to engage the idea and give it a fair hearing in your heart.
Let me start by stating that both sexual and emotional connection are necessary for a good marriage. This is how God made marriage, and you cannot have the kind of marriage God intended if either of them is absent or significantly limited.
If your spouse is limiting one of these things, it hurts. It feels like they don’t care about you, and after a while their reasons or excuses stop mattering. They have something you need from them, and they are not giving it in sufficient quality and quantity for you to feel loved and connected.
Can you accept my premise that these two things are very similar, and not having enough of either is a significant marriage problem? If your spouse is limiting one of these, ask yourself if you limit the other. Can you accept that doing that may hurt them every bit as much as their limiting the other hurts you?
Believing all of this could be the start of a profound change in your marriage. Pray about it!
~ This is Paul, and empathy helps us Do Marriage Well.
Starting to get blackberries
Added some raspberries and made a great cobbler!
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