Podcast: https://bit.ly/4wscwdX

If emotional and sexual connection are so important in marriage, why is it so common for one or both to be limited or missing in marriages? If your spouse isn’t giving you one of these in the way you need, there is a reason. “They don’t care” is not usually the reason. And while selfishness is probably at play, it’s not usually the primary reason. As I run through various reasons, ask yourself if each exists in your spouse’s life. If you identify the reason and deal with it, change becomes possible.

If you have realised you are shorting your spouse sexually or emotionally, ask yourself if any of what follows is true for you. If so, you probably need to deal with that to be able to make a change on what you are shorting your spouse.

Not Knowing: It’s difficult to think someone would have no idea sexual and emotional connections are important in marriage. However, it is common to think one of them is far less important than it is. Often this is because the person who feels that way has little use for the thing. While feeling that way is valid, it doesn’t mean the person doesn’t need it. God created us to need and desire these things. If the need and desire are lacking for either, the individual may need professional help.

Bad Teaching: If you were raised being told emotions are silly or sex is bad, you won’t want to engage in that thing. Maybe you know what you were taught is wrong, but it’s still in your head and messes with you.

Fear: If there was sexual abuse in someone’s past, being sexual may scare them. Perhaps they can manage it when things are going well, but during difficult times they can’t. This also tends to become a bigger issue over time. Emotional harm in the past can cause the same thing for being able to connect emotionally.

Feeling Unable: A person can understand the need for these forms of connection, but feel unable to do one. I discussed this yesterday for emotional connection, and sexual connection is similar. We don’t enjoy doing things we feel we do poorly.

Retribution: Often we limit or withhold one of the connections because our spouse limits or withholds the other. However, this is not always done intentionally. A lack of emotional connection makes it difficult for a woman to be sexual, and a lack of sexual connection makes it difficult for a man to connect emotionally. This can become a vicious spiral.

Too Busy: Most folks are doing way too much. That can leave a person without the time or energy to engage in emotional or sexual connection as much as they should.

Selfishness: This is usually a secondary factor, adding to one of the others. However, any of the other reasons can become justification for being selfish. Love puts the other ahead of self, especially for strong needs. 

If you can identify an issue, work at it. If you can’t get any traction, seek help.

~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires connection.

The sun through smoke

No fires near enough for concern, but the smoke has been bad.

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.