Podcast: https://bit.ly/4z9gqec
What does it mean to be emotionally available to your spouse? It’s a vital part of a healthy, happy marriage, but it’s not talked about much. It’s sort of assumed everyone understands what it is and how to do it, but that’s not the case. If you grew up in a family that was not emotionally available, you didn’t experience it and were not taught how to do it.
If there was abuse or addiction in your family of origin, there probably wasn’t much, if any, emotional availability. But families without these issues can also have low emotional availability. Maybe your parents didn’t learn it when they were growing up. Maybe struggling to make ends meet, being in a bad marriage, or being a single parent left little time or energy to be emotionally available.
Another problem is men who were taught, or learned, that emotions are weak, silly, or not to be trusted. This is not a biblical view, and science shows it hurts us and those close to us.
In simple terms, being emotionally available means you are able to connect on an emotional level. And just as having sex once in a great while is not enough, only making an emotional connection on occasion is not enough. Doing it well means being able to be there when your spouse most needs emotional connection. That will usually be when they have experienced strong emotions or someone they care about is dealing with strong emotions.
Another definition that may make more sense for some is that emotional availability means being able to share your internal world with your spouse, and engage with them as they share their internal world with you.
One of the prerequisites for emotional availability is being in touch with your own emotions. You can’t share what you don’t feel, and you can’t receive from your spouse if you are closed to your own emotions. If this is you, it may take some time and effort to change. Get help if necessary.
Being able to share your internal self does not mean dumping on your spouse. Furthermore, you need to be able to do it without getting upset or withdrawing immediately afterwards. Connecting emotionally is not a momentary thing; it’s a way of life.
Empathy certainly helps, as it can tell you when you need to reach out. But being willing is huge, and with practice you will build empathy. Learn to listen more than you talk. And while what your spouse feels may not be connected to reality, they still feel it, and you need to validate that.
As a starting place, ask your spouse daily how they feel. Ask about the high and low points of their day. Give them time to think and share. And be ready to share about your feelings. Don’t try to fit this into a few minutes. Allow half an hour. Also realise that if you haven’t been emotionally available, your spouse may flood you at first as they make up not having what they need. Give them time to normalise.
~ This is Paul, and real men are not afraid of their wife’s tears!
This is how you know Widget had fun outside.
She is good about letting us clean her off.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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