Podcast: https://bit.ly/3UtWWkQ
So what can you do when a relationship struggle is mostly or entirely on the other person? Yesterday I mentioned 1 Cor 13:4-7. Let’s look at that passage:
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ~ 1 Cor 13:4-7 ESV
Before we dig in, let’s have the safe and sane conversation. God does not call us to be abused or to put up with evil. If that’s what’s going on, the rest of this post does not apply to you. You need to get help, and if you’re not safe, you need to get out.
Moving on to Corinthians, not all of the passage applies to our current discussion. Let’s look at the parts that do:
Patient: In our busy world, patience is all too rare. But it’s a vital tool when dealing with relationship problems. It can take time for the other person to get to the point they can do what they should. It’s no fun living with the tension until they get there, but the alternative is making things worse. Emotional maturity means being able to sit in the difficulty and wait for the other person.
Kind: Among other things, being kind means respecting others’ feelings. It also means being gentle with people. Both of these will help take the heat out of a difficult situation. Kindness will urge you to think about how the other person feels and consider that whatever happened hit them particularly hard for some reason.
Not Arrogant or Rude: These things are sure to make a difficult situation worse. It’s human nature to be rude to those who have been rude to us, but we have to fight that urge.
Not Irritable or Resentful: These are also natural reactions to conflict and probably more difficult to hold back. Just because you feel these doesn’t mean you have to act on them. I’ve had people tell me they feel dishonest when they don’t act on negative feelings like this. Being hurtful just because it’s what you feel is not okay with God. We are called to act better than our worst thoughts and urges would have us act. We can feel resentful and choose not to act on it. That’s not dishonesty; it’s love. And it’s a mature thing to do.
Bears All Things: Sometimes this means letting something go. It means dealing with not getting an apology you deserve. It means not keep score. It means being willing to end up with the short end of the stick. What matters here is context, intent, and frequency. If the other person is in the midst of a rough time and doesn’t usually treat you as they have, that’s different than getting hit like this regularly. How much what happened hurts you is also a valid consideration.
Believes, Hopes, and Endures All Things: Can you hope for change and resolution in time? People do change, and I’ve seen some folks make huge changes. Hope and pray for that, and ask God to help you do it.
All of these things can help you wait for the situation to improve. Or to weather something that the other refuses to deal with. In some relationships there comes a time to say “no more” and walk away. But don’t go there too quickly, and be willing to get help before you throw in the towel.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Lori’s been sick for a while. Nurse Widget is on it.
She’s done the lab work and is waiting for Tilly to do a cat scan.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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