by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 11, 2025 | Drift
So how does drift apply to sex? In a number of ways.
A couple may drift away from sex. Not usually to the point of not doing it, but rather doing it less and less often. And as is often the case with drift, it may not be noticed. At least not by the spouse who is less driven to have sex. Try keeping track of how frequently you have sex. If it’s less often than you thought you were doing it, that’s likely a problem you need to address.
One deadly form of drift is putting less time and energy into sex. This can happen even for a spouse who wants more sex. Good sex takes effort and intentionality; you can’t just fall into bed naked and expect good sex to happen. Foreplay gets truncated or skipped. Snuggling before and/or after sex stops happening. As soon as sex is over, one of you either falls asleep or jumps up to do something. Sex stops being special, and is no longer given the time and energy you once felt it deserved.
Sexual drift can look like more and more sex being just for one of you. She feels too busy or tired for full sex, so quickies or hand jobs for him become more common. Less joint sexual pleasure is a bad form of drift.
We can also experience drift in what we desire sexually. This can be good when it’s a result of the two of moving to things you enjoy more. But drift can also be the result of exposure to porn or erotica. This can alter our desires and cause us to become dissatisfied with sex. Or we start to argue because we want to do new things our spouse doesn’t want.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well requires doing sex well.
An Opportunity for Guys: Brad Aldrich, of Aldrich Ministries, is doing a Men’s Story Work Group in September. Click here for information or to preregister.
At 14 weeks, it’s a big commitment, but it could make a big difference in your life.
Widget finally destroyed the duck toy we got when we brought her home. So here she is, very happy about the replacement.
There’s a squeaker in the body, and she has learned how to hold it so a tiny bit of jaw pressure makes a soft noise. So she asks to play by coming up and making a soft squeak every couple of seconds.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 10, 2025 | Drift
Lori and I attended a wedding on Sunday. The young couple was all about each other. You could tell they want to be together every moment, share everything, and talk about everything. Do you recall when you and your spouse felt that way?
What happened?
As we get to know each other better, we start to assume things and take things for granted. Some of that is both normal and good, but it’s easy to take it too far.
As we spend less time together, and don’t share everything we experience when we’re apart, we feel emotional distance. And this can lead to feeling disconnected.
As you may already have picked up this week, the way to avoid drifting apart from your spouse it intentionality. Be aware of what you do as a couple, and what you do apart. Be aware of how you feel when you’re together, and how you feel when you’re apart. When something good happens, are you excited to tell your spouse? Are they the first person with whom you want to share bad news?
If you see things that are not as they should be, make an effort to change. Fake it till you make it is perfectly acceptable here, and it can bring about real changes in how you feel. Your feelings can very much follow your actions. What’s more, your spouse is the same way.
~ This is Paul, saying Doing Marriage Well takes intentionality.
The day lilies are blooming.
These showed up in the tall grass around the pond a few years ago. No idea how they got there. I transplanted them up to our bulb garden.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 9, 2025 | Drift
Another source of marriage drift is friendships.
Friends are important for us, and for our marriages. Having close friends correlates with a longer life. And a good friend will encourage your marriage in various ways.
But friends can also have negative effects on our lives and our marriages.
Studies find having a number of divorced fiends increases your odds of getting divorced. I’m not suggesting you should ditch a friend because they divorce, but if most of your close friends are divorced, that should be a concern. Are you more comfortable with divorced individuals? If so, why?
Beyond that, what matters to our friends effects us. What they say and do affects us. If most of your girlfriends talk bad about men, that will impact how you feel about your husband. If most of your guy friends think of woman as little more than a source of sex, that will influence how you feel about your wife.
If you were convinced you had to choose between a friend or a group of friends and your spouse, I’m sure you would choose your spouse. The problem is, we don’t usually see the choice, even when that is the situation.
BTW, if your spouse has a problem with one or two of your friends, odds are they see something you don’t. Even if that’s not true, what they feel should matter enough to significantly limit contact with a friend they dislike.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Despite the deer damage last fall, we’re getting a moderate crop of strawberries.
They are running a bit small because they’re not getting enough water. But I will be putting in a watering system for them, which will help.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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