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The posts this week have been rather hard. Sometimes what it takes to heal and grow is difficult. It requires taking an honest look at ourselves and seeing where we’re falling short. We do that so we know where we need to change. When you find things that are a mess, don’t get stuck in shame or despair. Slow progress is progress, and setbacks show you have made progress.

There are times when I fall short, and I know I can do better. As much as I hate that, it means I have a way forward. But what if I have been doing the best I can? Even more difficult, what if we feel our spouse is falling short, and we think they are doing the best they can? That’s a very lonely, difficult place.

I’ve mentioned Lori and I had a lot of sexual problems early in our marriage. At first, I thought she was not doing the best she could. I may well have been wrong, but that was my perspective. Later, things were a bit better, but still not good. And I felt Lori was doing all she could to improve things. I understood what had happened to her and the problems it caused. I saw her efforts and how much it cost her. Honestly, that felt way worse than when I thought she could do better. If her best was not enough, then what?

On top of that, there was the guilt. Facing her past was hurting her a great deal. Was it fair for me to expect her to do that for me? She said she wanted to get healed for herself, and in my better moments I believed that. But all too often despair took over, and I felt like a monster. I started thinking about what I would do when it became obvious to both of us that the situation could not be fixed.

I think during that time I was occasionally able to communicate to Lori that I did feel she was doing her best. And I tried to hide my fear and despondency.

Looking back, I wish I’d done more. I wish I had been honest with her about my feelings. It’s not like she didn’t know. I don’t mean dwelling on it, just not hiding or downplaying it. Did she ever assume I was even more despondent than I really was?

I also wish I had told her that no matter how it worked out, I loved her and was going to stick with her. I had made that decision internally, but I think I worried telling her that would lessen her sense of urgency.

I realise now that my sense of urgency was a problem, not a help. My urgency was about my fears. My needs were certainly a part of it, but it was far more than my sexual needs. Much of what I saw as my needs was based on my brokenness and need for validation. If I had seen that, and dealt with it, things would have been better for both of us. 

I also wish I’d had someone to talk with back then. Not to give me advice on how to “fix” Lori. I needed to be able to share my feelings and fears. I needed to be told to work on my stuff, along with help seeing my stuff.

By the grace of God, we got through it. It was slow; years, not months. Lori’s healing progressed as she faced her past. I learned to deal with my own stuff instead of projecting it onto her. We both healed and grew. And step by step we got to a much better place.

But it was brutal for both of us. What needed to happen, in each of us, could not have been done quickly or easily. But it could have been less difficult and somewhat faster. Someone to help me deal with things would have been a very good thing. I suspect my shame over the situation kept me from even considering that.

I hope some of you will find something in this you can apply to your situation. 

~ This is Paul, and healing is never a picnic.

This was how we were nine years ago.

That was a rough winter!

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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