Podcast: https://bit.ly/4d6aWXy
Whenever I mention getting third-party help in a post, my AI editor tells me I need to explain that and offer links. So this week I will talk about it, and in the future I can link to this when suggesting third-party help.
I use the term ‘third party’ for two reasons. First, it covers a wide array of help, which we will cover over the rest of the week. Second, it’s someone who is neutral. I generally tell men I coach that I am a friend of their marriage. The marriage is what I care about, and if I think he is the problem, I will tell him that. And while I will sympathise with his problems and pain, I won’t bad-mouth his wife.
When I talk to one spouse, I’m always aware that I’m getting a curated view of the couple’s marriage. Even if the person is trying to be fair and accurate, I’m only getting their understanding and feelings, and that’s only half the picture. Be wary of anyone who takes your version of reality as the truth; it’s not a good sign.
I’m a big fan of meeting with a married couple rather than one person. If your spouse is unsure about going to get help, or you have disagreed about getting a man or a woman, seeing a couple will help. A couple will also see things even the best-trained man or woman can miss. A man will understand cultural lies and feelings behind what another man says, just as a woman will hear what is behind a woman’s words.
A couple can avoid one spouse feeling ganged up on. But don’t think the person of your gender is supposed to be on your side. The person helping is more likely to see through the BS of the person of the same gender and may push harder than the person of the opposite sex.
If you decide to get help, have a discussion about what that will look like. What is required on the part of the person or persons you will see? If your faith matters to you, that would be part of the qualification list. A mile-long list of expectations is usually about control and avoiding accountability, but it’s okay to say there are things you’re not willing to change – especially if your spouse agrees with you.
You also want to discuss with your spouse what parts of your relationship you are willing to expose to a third party. You should renegotiate this list as you move forward, but don’t bring up something your spouse is opposed to sharing unless your spouse refuses to get help and you seek help on your own. Getting your spouse to enter into the process is critical, and if that means some issues are initially off the table, that’s okay.
~ This is Paul, and getting help Doing Marriage Well is wise.
Our little tulip garden is doing well…
Since we convinced Widget to stop eating the flowers!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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