by PAUL BYERLY | May 9, 2026 | 3rd party help
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4nexaeo
Today’s bonus post is something about which I feel very passionate: premarital coaching.
The best way to deal with a problem is to address it before it becomes a problem. Sometimes that can prevent the problem. Other times it means you’re ready to deal with the problem when it comes along. Both are better than not seeing it coming and being slammed.
I realise I’m not talking to single folks here. But many of you have yet to marry children, and you all know young couples moving that way. So I am begging you to encourage any couple who will listen to you to get good premarital coaching.
One very wise fellow contacted me about getting pre-premarital coaching. He and the lady he was interested in were both single parents with a divorce behind them. Neither wanted another bad marriage, and they decided to get help before they had even decided they wanted to get married. Pre-premarital turned into premarital, and then a wedding. And because they had gotten ahead of things, they didn’t have nearly the difficulty most blended families experience.
Good premarital coaching is at least half a dozen sessions over a number of weeks. It should be tailored to the couple, not a one-size-fits-no-one book study. Books can be helpful, but they can’t replace face-to-face coaching. Lori and I have used Prepare/Enrich, and it’s a huge help, as it can point to potential problems. I encourage you to look for someone using that tool.
And very importantly, good premarital must include discussions about sex. You would be surprised at how many premarital curriculums ignore the issue or touch on it for just a few minutes. Sex seems simple, but making it work can be complex. Couples given warnings and solutions before they have issues do much better.
Ideally a couple meets with someone who will be there after the marriage. If problems arise, they already have a relationship, making it easier to go for and get help.
~ This is Paul, and premarital coaching makes Doing Marriage Well far easier.
The Notorious PIGs are getting less shy, so I finally got a good group shot.
They do love the weeds we pull out of the garden.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | May 8, 2026 | 3rd party help
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4deeOFM
Getting third-party help for sexual issues is possible, but it can feel scary or embarrassing. However, if your sex life has any real ongoing problems, I want to encourage you to find help.
My first suggestion is The Marriage Bed forum. For 27 years we have offered a safe place for Christians to talk about sex. There are likely things discussed there that you don’t want to even know about, but you can pick and choose what you read. We debate the rightness or wrongness of various things, but clear sin is not okay. The forums are a great place to look for answers or ask for a bit of help.
What about friends? Are they a valid resource for sex help? They can be, but be careful. Your sex life with your spouse should be private, and sharing it with a friend is tricky. Would your spouse be upset or embarrassed if they knew what you talked about? Beyond that, your friends have limited experience. Sex is very individual, and what Chris and Sam think is amazing might not be for you and your spouse.
Church-based help is iffy. A lot of churches won’t even acknowledge married couples have sex. When Lori and I sought help for our sex life at church 40 years ago, we were told, “It will work itself out.” It didn’t. If there is someone willing to help, a lack of experience may be an issue here too. See what is said as one of many valid ways to make sex good.
Professional help deals with the lack of experience if the individual has been trained about sexuality. This is one place where having a Christian is vital. You don’t want suggestions to use porn, or to try an open marriage!
I’ve talked to people who have gone years without intercourse, which they both wanted, because of an issue that could have been easily fixed. I hate that! Sex is not just sex; it’s an important part of marriage. I’ve heard both men and women talk about how their relationship suffered in non-sexual ways when they were unable to have sex for a protracted time.
There is help; please don’t suffer in silence.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well helps you Do Marriage Well.
The orange blob lower left is a gold fish.
We stocked the pond last year, and at least a few made it through the winter.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | May 7, 2026 | 3rd party help
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4tXW4li
The next level of help is professional. That means a licensed therapist or counsellor.
Sometimes you need this level of help. Or perhaps it’s all your spouse will agree to. Cost can be an issue here, as most insurance won’t cover it. But if it saves your marriage, it’s worth the cost!
Training is no guarantee of skill – especially in a specific area like marriage. I have friends who are licensed who are excellent. But I’ve also heard horror stories. I would strongly advise you to find a Christian who is that in more than name so their advice doesn’t contradict your core values. If you’re in a blended family, a professional who understands step-parenting dynamics is a huge plus. A personal recommendation is a big help if you know someone who has walked this path. Or ask your pastor if they know someone.
Many professionals will do a lower-cost first session, or partial session, to help you see if they are a good fit. Don’t be shy about asking what you need to know, or about saying, “I think we need someone else.” I assure you they will not take it personally.
Doing this online via Zoom is possible, but in the US you can only do that with a professional in your state. Still, this allows you to meet from the comfort of your home, which may help you feel more comfortable. And it usually saves some money.
I’ve heard some positive things about Regain. I am not affiliated with them in any way. I ran through their intake form, and it looked good. You can specify you want a Christian, and you can also specify the person’s gender if you want. They do couples or individuals.
If you go the professional route, you should have a clear understanding of what you want and what a positive outcome would look like. That can change as you move forward, but it’s good to specify your goal up front. If you don’t feel you have this, make it one of the first things you do when you meet.
As with any form of marriage help, you get out of it what you put into it. If you’re given homework, make doing it a priority. And by doing it, I am not talking about checking the box; it’s not busy work.
Good counselling will challenge how you see things. This is not an attack; it’s based on the reality that you don’t see everything as it is. And sometimes that includes your own thoughts and feelings. Expect to find places where you have been wrong. Be open to the possibility your spouse may be right about something you think they have wrong. Also be open to the possibility that in some things neither you nor your spouse has it right. Work on yourself, and let your spouse work on themselves.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well may look different than you think!
We’re up to half a dozen turkey poults.
They are much better behaved than chicken chicks!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | May 6, 2026 | 3rd party help
Podcast: https://bit.ly/49buuZi
The second level of getting help is someone at your church. That could be your pastor or some other leader or individual who is recognised by the church.
When I asked about getting marriage help on the TMB message boards, several folks questioned the qualifications of pastors. Others didn’t feel comfortable sharing about their marriage, and especially their sex life, with their pastor.
The first is a valid concern. Many pastors have received little or no training for counselling in general, much less marriage issues. Beyond that, statistically, pastors have far worse marriages and sex lives than the majority of their congregants. I know exceptions to that, but they are, sadly, exceptions.
I can understand feeling uncomfortable listening to your pastor give a sermon when he knows all your dirty laundry. But pastors are generally very good at keeping things private. Still, if it will hinder you or your spouse, that makes it a no-go choice
Larger churches, and some medium-sized ones, have people in the church who have been vetted and possibly given some training. This can be an excellent option. You can be sure what is said won’t conflict with your faith, and it will probably be free or very low cost.
Privacy may feel like a concern, but if the church backs it, that should not be an issue. Some churches may expect some minor feedback from those doing marriage work with people, especially if those being coached are in leadership. This should be disclosed at your first meeting, and you can certainly ask.
It’s unlikely this kind of help will come with credentials or licensing. Don’t let that stop you. Many couples have found great help from laypeople. There are issues that are beyond such help, but those situations are uncommon.
One other form of church-based help is a small group focused on marriage. Often they work through a marriage book. I’ve seen some amazing things happen in such groups. Over time you grow to know and care about each other. Once I was in such a group where a wife said, “I need to say something to my husband in front of all of you.” They had a very difficult talk as we all sat and prayed. This resulted in a great breakthrough for them. Maybe she would have eventually been able to have the discussion without the group, and maybe it would have gone okay. But it happened sooner and worked out better because of the group.
When we meet together in the name of Jesus, He is there, and good things happen!
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well may require you going beyond the two of you.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | May 5, 2026 | 3rd party help
Podcast: https://bit.ly/490XVgP
Friends are the first port of call when things get rocky, but they can be your greatest asset or your biggest liability.
On the positive side, you know them, and they know you. You know they’re on your side. You probably have a feel for their discretion, or lack thereof.
On the negative side, they may be swayed by what they already know of your marriage and their friendship with you. If you say something ugly about your spouse, will they push back? If it’s evident you are in the wrong, will they tell you that?
Sometimes when we turn to friends for “help”, what we really want is someone to tell us it’s not us; it’s our spouse. We want them to listen to us complain and then tell us how great we are and how horrible our spouse is.
The really ugly version of this for women is a group who get together to bad-mouth their husbands and slowly talk each other into getting a divorce. The male version is griping about sex and telling each other it’s understandable, if not acceptable, to turn to porn or another woman.
If you’re going to seek help from a friend, make it just one friend. It should be a spiritually mature friend with a better than average marriage. Confidentiality is a must. You want someone who won’t hold a grudge against your spouse when they hear about wrongs done to you. A friend who won’t challenge you is not a friend of your marriage, and that is what you need. Having overcome something similar to what your marriage is struggling with is a huge plus.
Friend help can also be done on the couple level. The first time Lori and I did this was at the request of a couple a few years younger than ourselves. We were barely past our own troubles and had no idea how to help others. But we agreed to spend time with them and talk about marriage. A year later I overheard the wife tell someone we had saved their marriage from divorce.
With that story in mind, if you have a good marriage, be willing to help others. You don’t need experience or training to come alongside and help. But do be ready to say, “That is out of my depth; you need someone else,” if it comes to that.
~ This is Paul, and friends help friends Do Marriage Well!
Tilly is despondent because she’s been displaced.
She has been sleeping in the loft, where Widget does not go. But it’s gotten hot enough we had to fire up the whole house fan, and she doesn’t like the noise.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | May 4, 2026 | 3rd party help
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4d6aWXy
Whenever I mention getting third-party help in a post, my AI editor tells me I need to explain that and offer links. So this week I will talk about it, and in the future I can link to this when suggesting third-party help.
I use the term ‘third party’ for two reasons. First, it covers a wide array of help, which we will cover over the rest of the week. Second, it’s someone who is neutral. I generally tell men I coach that I am a friend of their marriage. The marriage is what I care about, and if I think he is the problem, I will tell him that. And while I will sympathise with his problems and pain, I won’t bad-mouth his wife.
When I talk to one spouse, I’m always aware that I’m getting a curated view of the couple’s marriage. Even if the person is trying to be fair and accurate, I’m only getting their understanding and feelings, and that’s only half the picture. Be wary of anyone who takes your version of reality as the truth; it’s not a good sign.
I’m a big fan of meeting with a married couple rather than one person. If your spouse is unsure about going to get help, or you have disagreed about getting a man or a woman, seeing a couple will help. A couple will also see things even the best-trained man or woman can miss. A man will understand cultural lies and feelings behind what another man says, just as a woman will hear what is behind a woman’s words.
A couple can avoid one spouse feeling ganged up on. But don’t think the person of your gender is supposed to be on your side. The person helping is more likely to see through the BS of the person of the same gender and may push harder than the person of the opposite sex.
If you decide to get help, have a discussion about what that will look like. What is required on the part of the person or persons you will see? If your faith matters to you, that would be part of the qualification list. A mile-long list of expectations is usually about control and avoiding accountability, but it’s okay to say there are things you’re not willing to change – especially if your spouse agrees with you.
You also want to discuss with your spouse what parts of your relationship you are willing to expose to a third party. You should renegotiate this list as you move forward, but don’t bring up something your spouse is opposed to sharing unless your spouse refuses to get help and you seek help on your own. Getting your spouse to enter into the process is critical, and if that means some issues are initially off the table, that’s okay.
~ This is Paul, and getting help Doing Marriage Well is wise.
Our little tulip garden is doing well…
Since we convinced Widget to stop eating the flowers!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
