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A great many things influence our choices, and often we are not aware of some, or many, of those.
One factor is cognitive dissonance:
Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced when holding two or more contradictory beliefs, values, or attitudes, or when behaviour conflicts with beliefs.
No one likes ‘mental discomfort’, and we will do a great deal to avoid it. In marriage this can lead to justifying unhealthy behaviours in our spouse. It can cause us to lower standards to match those of our spouse. Or we may try to change what we think and feel to match them. We do all of this in the name of avoiding conflict.
More than once I have watched one spouse change their religious beliefs to match changes in their spouse. I’ve seen changes in how one spouse says the children should be raised to avoid conflict. I’ve seen changes to line up politically. And I’ve seen one spouse try to enter into sexual experiences they don’t want, enjoy, or see as moral to try to keep their spouse happy.
I understand how uncomfortable it is to be at odds with your spouse on significant issues. Sacrificing your beliefs, or pretending they don’t matter, may seem like a good way to prevent that. But it brings a false, temporary peace. If your spouse continues to change away from what you believe, how far are you willing to go?
Besides, our beliefs are a fundamental part of us. Sacrificing them is violating who God made us to be. And that tears us up.
One extreme example of this is a husband or wife who enters into wife swapping, swinging, or an open marriage because their spouse wants it. The fear is if they don’t go along, their spouse will either have an affair or leave them. That might be what would happen, but violating yourself to prevent that is neither right nor healthy.
Another example is going to a church that teaches things you feel are contrary to the Bible. Not a few minor things, but big issues. It eats at you, but going to the same church seems more important. There are also various ways this happens with regard to child-raising. I’m all for a unified message to our kids, but
not at the cost of what we feel is right.
Once you start down any of these paths, it’s very difficult to turn back. You have a better chance of fighting whatever when it’s just a suggestion than once you have gone there.
Standing firm against your spouse is not a comfortable place to be. But giving in is wrong and ultimately does more harm. Choose to stand firm and pray hard. Be open to the possibility you’re wrong, but don’t give in just for peace.
~ This is Paul, and sometimes Doing Marriage Well means standing firm.
Got some potatoes planted today and have the watering system working.
Cheese, one of our roosters, kept an eye on me. Mac, our other rooster, is less worried about what I do.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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