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I promised to talk today about living with it and ultimatums.
Deciding to live with a broken part of your marriage is sometimes the only sane choice. It can also be a very loving choice. But it’s not an easy thing, and you should devote a good deal of prayer and thought to it before you go that route.
If it’s become evident your spouse can’t or won’t change whatever, continuing to fight about it is putting both of you through turmoil for no reason. Letting it go is a kindness to yourself and your spouse.
There are two questions to ask yourself:
Does it justify divorce? If not, then living with it is pretty much your option. So how can you make the best of the situation? How do you get a life, invite your spouse to join you, and do life without them if they won’t join you? How do you grieve what your spouse is not doing, and then move past it? You need to let it go, rather than jabbing them about it from time to time or expecting to be thanked for your sacrifice.
If the issue does allow for divorce, then the question would be ‘Is that what God wants you to do?’ It being allowed does not make it God’s will. Can you live with it? Will it drive you crazy? Will you drive your spouse crazy?
If you still have children at home, living with it may be a temporary thing for their sake. This can be a painful sacrifice, and I have great respect for those who do that. May God give you strength.
An example: I think a spouse choosing to make the marriage sexless allows for divorce. But that does not mean a man or woman in that situation must or even should divorce. Can they live in a sexless marriage and continue to be loving? Can they deal with their sex drive and not end up in porn or the arms of another person? If you doubt you can avoid temptation, then divorce may be necessary.
I would suggest you can get help talking through these things, but ultimately you have to make the choice. And you have to live with that choice.
I find ‘ultimatum’ an ugly word because issuing one always causes pain and turmoil. But long-term, it can be a merciful option. I think an ultimatum should usually be given before filing for a divorce, with significant abuse being the exception. But there are other ways to use ultimatums; divorce is not the only consequence.
An ultimatum says, “I’m not playing your game any more. If you keep playing, here is what will happen.”
For an ultimatum to be effective, your spouse has to believe you will follow through if they don’t change. If you have made and not held to an ultimatum in the past, you don’t have that going for you. Involving a third party might help in this case.
An ultimatum should be simple and clear. First share what you expect, and how long you will wait. Then explain what will happen if what you expect does not occur. An ultimatum should be presented in writing so there is no doubt about what was said. You can give it verbally too, but written is a must. Writing will protect you from your spouse lying to others about what you said. It also forces you to be very careful, as your words can be used against you if you’re unfair.
I strongly advise you to talk with someone before making an ultimatum. In part to help you do it right, and also as a point of accountability. A leader at church would be a good choice.
Give a reasonable amount of time. And make “working on it” a reason to wait. But don’t let endless “I’m working on it” be used to get around the ultimatum. Be all about doing your part and hearing what your spouse thinks you need to do. But make it clear none of that changes what you have said.
As I said above, divorce is not the only possible consequence of an ultimatum. “I will move on with my life while continuing to live with you” is a possibility. Or you might say, “If you’re not ready on time, I will leave without you.” Or it could be “Dinner will be served at six; if you are not here, you are on your own.” Or, as in the image, “When you throw a fit, I will walk away.“
Of course doing these things is difficult. You will be met by anger and possibly threats. You will probably be treated worse than usual, and possibly lied about to friends. Expect this, and see it as part of the process. Change, if it happens, will come after the attempts to get you to back down fail. Stand firm; you are fighting for the health or survival of your marriage.
~ This is Paul, and sometimes Doing Marriage Well is painful.
We planted two dark-purple lilacs last fall. They survived deer and cold, and one is blooming.
In time these will help screen us from the road, and do it with great beauty!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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