Podcast: https://bit.ly/4u0hc9P
This week I want to talk about cognitive biases that can limit and hurt our marriages.
I don’t offer these so you can accuse your spouse of them. Seeing them in your spouse can help you navigate a situation better, but unless you’ve discussed biases and your spouse is open to you pointing them out, you’re probably better off not identifying them as they happen.
My primary reason for sharing these is so you can see them in yourself. These biases alter how we see reality, and that can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and arguments. As we go through the week, consider each bias, and ask yourself if you are given to it.
First we have Confirmation Bias. You interpret your spouse’s words or actions to fit your pre-existing belief. Your belief may be based on what they have done in the past or your own stuff. Either way, you see what you expect to see, rather than what is really there.
To see how this plays out in the living room or the kitchen, let’s look at a few common scenarios:
- The Underappreciated Spouse
A wife believes her husband doesn’t notice her efforts at home. When he walks past a clean kitchen without comment, she sees that as proof. When he thanks her for dinner, she dismisses it as automatic politeness. Her belief replaces reality as she plays up confirming evidence and downplays evidence to the contrary. - The Criticism Loop
A husband believes his wife is hypercritical. He braces for criticism in every conversation, making him defensive. His defensiveness frustrates her, making her more critical. His original belief is self-fulfilling, but he is blind to his part. - The Jealous Partner
A spouse suspects infidelity. A late meeting is proof. A normal meeting is suspicious. Friendliness toward an attractive person is a red flag. Coldness toward the same person is guilt. Fear colours every action, piling up more supposed proof of cheating. - The Incompatible Couple
During a rough patch, one spouse decides they want such different things that they are incompatible. From then on, every disagreement is seen as proof of deep incompatibility, while areas of agreement are ignored.
Please challenge your negative beliefs about your spouse. Even if there was once truth there, people grow and change. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and look for change.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is easier when you see reality.
Snapped this at a friend’s house.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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