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Most of what I have said this week should apply to your sex life. But often, it doesn’t.
Sexual mismatch is one of the most common complaints couples have. But I want to go a different way with this today.
Let’s say Chris and Sam are married. Chris wants sex four times a week, and Sam wants it twice. That’s a problem. But there’s a good chance they are actually having sex only once a week. They are having less sex than either of them want! And odds are they are both making up the difference on their own.
Multiple studies have shown sexual frequency for married couples has dropped significantly and steadily over the last two decades. And younger couples are not having nearly as much sex as their parents had at the same age.
Experts offer theories for why this is, ranging from smartphone use to mental health to being too busy. But no one has proven why we have an epidemic of less sex. When we look at masturbation rates, we find it’s not a lack of drive. And one study found that the more often a married person masturbated, the less happy they were with their sex life, and the less satisfied they were with their marriage. So this is not an innocent trend; it’s a problem.
Do you assume the lack of sex in your marriage is because your spouse is happy with the amount you’re having? That could be true, but for a growing number of couples, both husband and wife want more sex. And most of those couples don’t know they both want more.
The first step is communication. Ask something such as, “Are you okay with how often we have sex, or would you like more?“
If you both want more, that means making time and energy for it. It also means not taking care of it yourself.
As a practical step, you could agree that from now on you will deal with your sex drives as a couple. That might mean lying side by side and masturbating. In the dark, if that’s what one of you needs. If only one of you feels the need, then you lie together as that person masturbates. Doing this is a start, and it helps you understand how often each of you would like sex. From there you can work on making it happen
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well, requires doing it!
A storm broke off an iris stem, so we brought it inside.
It opened up nicely!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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