Podcast: https://bit.ly/4f15iqt
Today: The Freedom to Disagree Safely.
That last word is very, very important. If your spouse disagrees with you, will you be kind to them? Can you discuss the difference without raising your voice or getting too animated?
I can get pretty passionate about what I believe, especially if I think the issue is important. This can come across as thinking I’m right and you’re wrong. Or “I’m right, and what’s wrong with you?“
I also think if you have a belief, it should stand up to being attacked. If you can’t defend your idea, it’s not worth my consideration. For some of us, and I know many men who fall into this camp, we treat discussions like a courtroom battle where ideas have to be defended to survive.
All of this is how I have been, and I am doing better. In the past I shut down a lot of discussions, and as a result, I missed out on hearing the things Lori needed to share.
Another factor here is how we process. I’m a fast processor, while Lori is a slow processor. Both are how God made us and neither is wrong. But it has led to a good deal of frustration for both of us.
Beyond that, I’m a verbal processor. That means I figure out what I believe by talking it out. And for me at least, it’s a pretty rapid-fire, frenetic process. My dear wife is very good at being a backstop for me when I do this, but I have learned not to expect her to have come to a conclusion when I have. And she has learned to not hang onto what I say along the way.
Making it safe to disagree means understanding how you both process and making accommodations. It also requires you to be okay with your spouse not agreeing with you, which takes a good deal of emotional maturity and being sure of yourself.
~ This is Paul, and disagreeing well is Doing Marriage Well.
We got potatoes; yes, we do!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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