by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 19, 2025 | See Me!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3K9dNnI
Our sexuality is a powerful and deeply personal thing. This means the desire to be seen and acknowledged sexually can be very strong. It is behind some sexual sin, and a contributing factor to much more. It also leads to some poor choices and bad behaviour in marriages.
Let’s start by realising our sexuality was created by God. Misusing it is wrong, but desiring to express it and have it acknowledged is not. That means part of the answer to sexual issues, caused by wishing to be seen, is to find a proper way to see and acknowledge both the desire and what lies behind it.
Flirting outside marriage is often an attempt to be seen and acknowledged. It comes from a need to prove we are desirable. This is why some folks flirt all the time but never do anything more; the attention is enough. Of course, it’s an inappropriate and dangerous game.
Husbands and wives who are often told no when they seek sex feel this important part of who they are is being denied. This is why it hurts so much.
But there is far more to it than being told no. It’s not just having sex. We want to be seen and appreciated sexually. Our spouse just going through the motions doesn’t make us feel seen. We want our spouse to be eager and engaged, as that acknowledges our sexually.
There is also a desire to know we’re good lovers. We want to be thanked for what we do sexually for our spouse. We want to hear when it’s especially good.
What can make all of this difficult is wrong teaching that makes it difficult for us to talk about sex, or admit to enjoying it. We do see and appreciate our spouse’s sexuality, but we are unable to express that.
Don’t be shy, speak up!
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well can be very healing.
The well that feeds our pond via a solar-powered pump is getting low, but it’s not dry yet!
Good thing; Widget sure loves the pond!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 18, 2025 | See Me!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3W0QA9L
How much attention should you get from your spouse. Or them from you?
We live in a society that doesn’t value marriage. I recall friends who told Lori and me that we spent too much time together. What made this sadly funny was we had a much happier marriage than they had. Maybe that “too much time” we spent together had something to do with it.
This is one of those places where “normal” is far from what is good, sufficient, or right with God. If your marriage is a priority, then your spouse should get more of your time and attention than what is normal. Way more.
Now for a radical idea. If you feel you need more of your spouse’s attention, ask for it. Don’t be coy, don’t hint; tell them in no uncertain terms you’re not getting enough attention from them, and it hurts.
If you don’t feel a lack of attention, then your next move is to ask your spouse if they want more of your attention. Of course, you shouldn’t ask this if you’re not ready to do what it would take to give them more attention if they ask for it.
If you give each other the attention you should, you will probably get some odd looks and/or comments. You will also develop an extraordinary marriage. I think it’s a fair trade-off.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Speaking of pumpkins, one of our sugar pie is ripe!
The dark green left of the pumpkin is an acorn squash, also looking ripe.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 17, 2025 | See Me!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3VkYcnq
Yesterday I asked if you ever try to get attention from your spouse with negative behaviour. Today, let’s talk about being on the receiving end of negative attention seeking.
If your spouse is doing this, the odds are high you brought it on by failing to give them as much attention as they want. So they have turned to yelling, drama, or conflict. If that doesn’t get the desired attention, they may turn to treating you badly in public, or flirting with others. Or worse.
Don’t reject this as blaming the victim. What I’m suggesting is that your spouse is the victim, and has chosen a bad way of dealing with that. Getting attention in negative ways is not a habit you want to encourage by giving attention to stop the bad behaviour. The solution is to give your spouse the attention they need. Not in response to negative things, but in general.
If you find yourself in this situation, it probably means you think our spouse doesn’t need as much attention as they feel they need. Are you too busy to give them what they need? Are you punishing them for something? Or have you just stopped caring for them as you once did? Understanding why you’re not giving them enough attention will help you make the changes necessary to fix the issue.
If you think your spouse expects more attention than they deserve from you, your marriage has a big problem. I’d suggest you get help before it’s too late. It might be you, and it might be them, but it’s an issue that will do great harm to your marriage.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires paying attention to your spouse.
You know you’re in a rural town when:
I was getting coffee at the grocery store in Deer Park when someone came over the loudspeaker and said, “Diane, your pumpkins are here.” I heard cheers from both employees and patrons. It took five guys with a lift gate and a palette jack an hour to unload them. And more than a few were sold during that time.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 16, 2025 | See Me!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3KbkVjn
Yesterday I mentioned the need to be acknowledged, respected, and valued. But I may have misspoken. Being respected and valued are nice, but the real need is to be seen and acknowledged. And for most people, being seen in a negative light is better than not being seen.
When I was a youth camp counsellor decades ago, I had a 13-year-old girl tell me she broke things at home because it got her mother’s attention. She found being punished better than being ignored. I was surprised she was so aware of what she was doing and why. I was also saddened her mother had no time for her unless she caused trouble. The next year, she told a female counsellor she thought she might be pregnant.
Most folks who do annoying, harmful, or destructive things to get attention are not as self-aware as that 13-year-old girl. Negative behaviour to get attention is all too common in marriages. I’ve seen it many times, and if I’m brutally honest, I’ve fought doing it myself. And I have not always won that battle.
I encourage you to examine yourself carefully to see if you ever use negative actions or words to get attention. It could be as simple as tone of voice, word choice, or sarcasm. It might be excessive complaining about little things, or taking forever to do what you promised to do. It could be making noise, not putting things away, not doing things you used to do, or ignoring your spouse’s clearly evident desires.
If you see any hint of this in yourself, please fight it. Negative actions may get your spouse’s attention, but it will do so at the cost of the health of your marriage. It’s a destructive habit that has no place in a mature marriage.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires being honest with ourselves.
We have convinced Widget that the cat is out of bounds when she is on her bed. So Tilly has reclaimed her rightful place between our computers.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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