Another thing you bring into your marriage from your family of origin is attachment style, which is how you relate to others. There are four attachment styles.
Secure attachment comes from feeling secure growing up, and being able to ask for reassurance or validation without fear of belittling or punishment. Those with this style of attachment navigate marriage well. They tend to be positive, trusting, and loving to their spouses.
Avoidant, dismissive, or anxious attachment comes from caregivers being absent or emotionally distant. This could be full on neglect, or it could also be because a parent is too busy, such as a single mother. This results in the person becoming independent and self-reliant. In marriage, these people have a difficult time connecting, and may avoid emotional or physical intimacy.
Anxious, ambivalent, or preoccupied attachment comes from inconsistent parenting, or parents who are unaware of the child’s needs. The children often feel confused, with no idea how to move forward in life. As adults, these people feel too responsible for the needs and feelings of others. This leads to codependency. Jealousy and fear of abandonment are common.
Disorganized attachment comes from trauma, neglect, or abuse during childhood. In marriage, these individuals may be unpredictable or engage in confusing behaviour. They may push their spouse away out of fear or thinking they don’t deserve love.
As you read these, did you easily identify your attachment style based on how you grew up? What about your spouse’s style? A quick online test can help you narrow down where you both are now.
I’m sure you can see how any attachment style other than secure will cause marriage issues. Individuals with other attachment styles often see the strengths about how they are, such as being independent or supportive. The goal is to keep good things like this while learning to have a healthier attachment style.
Attachment styles can be a marriage killer. If you suspect this is a problem in your marriage, please get help!
For more, I strongly suggest a four part series from The Allender Centre.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that change is possible
This is Zelda, who lives down the hill with our grandkids.
I think she is taunting Tilly in this picture! I wonder what her attachment style is?
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
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