Podcast: https://bit.ly/48cxHre
Yesterday I mentioned trying to fill a need with something other than what we need. The example I showed in the image was of a man standing next to a barrel labelled ‘love’. The barrel was overflowing as his wife added more to it from a bucket labelled “respect”. The man was complaining he needed more respect.
Love and respect are not the same thing, and while we need both, neither will satisfy the other need. Men have been told they need respect. This is true, but they also need love. If a man feels needing love is weak, he may try to fill his love tank with respect. That will never work, but it can make a mess of his marriage.
Wives do this too. Women are generally more risk-averse than men, and they long for safety and security. But some women have been told seeking this from their husband shows weakness or unhealthy dependence. So she may try to fill that need with something else. Even if her husband gives her what she asks for in great quantities, she will still feel the need for safety and security. She may get frustrated with her husband for not giving her what she needs. But if he’s giving her what she asks for, and she doesn’t ask for what she needs, the fault is not his.
Another way needs go wrong is using our spouse to medicate places that hurt. This is no different than using alcohol, food, or shopping to make ourselves feel better about a part of us that is empty or hurting. Extra words of affirmation or gifts may numb your pain for a while, but it won’t fix a pain that has nothing to do with those things.
Then there’s trying to fix something you lacked in the past by getting a great deal of it now. If your parents didn’t give you the love they should have, you’re hungry for love for a valid reason. But your spouse can’t fill an emptiness that you brought into your marriage. Even worse, you may not be able to feel the love from your spouse because of that emptiness. You are like a black hole, sucking up everything they offer and still feeling empty. You need to address your parents’ failure and heal over that. Then you will be able to feel the love your spouse gives, and your need will be something they can fill.
While the issue often lies within our own self-awareness, it could be your spouse. They may be giving you what they think you need, rather than what you have said you needed. Or they may have misunderstood what you asked for.
If you feel your spouse is not meeting your needs, spend some time praying. What do you really need? Have you clearly asked for that? If you’re getting what you asked for and still feel empty, your need may be different. If your spouse is not giving you what you need, figure out how to clarify your need. If you’ve been clear, and they’re not meeting what you see as valid needs, it’s time for third-party help.
~ This is Paul, and needs look different for every couple.
Tilly watches the world go by from her place of safety.
My parents had the sign made shortly after they got married, 67 years ago!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & Paul Byerly
