Podcast: https://bit.ly/4diYBPH
Another reason we fail to make the right choices in our marriage is fear. This is an issue, especially with regard to making changes or pushing our spouse for change.
Fear of failure is one version of this. Doing nothing seems safer than trying and finding that you can’t, or your spouse won’t. As long as you don’t make the effort, you don’t have to face the possibility it can’t be fixed. This can lead to a kick-the-can-down-the-road attitude that allows a problem to grow. This makes it harder to resolve the problem when you finally feel you must. It’s also possible the problem will grow too big for you, or your spouse will get tired of it and withdraw emotionally or seek a divorce.
If you realise you’ve been doing this, please get help. If a friend’s encouragement is not enough, get some other form of third-party help.
The fear of change can be a powerful fear. This fear keeps us doing things we know don’t work. It can also cause us to fight our spouse making good, needed changes. We may cling to negative situations because they are predictable and take a familiar misery over a foreign hope. Part of this is about a desire to be in control. Change is new and unpredictable, and we don’t know how or if we can control something new.
While some fears are internal, others are driven by the reaction of our spouse. This is most evident when anger becomes a weapon. The fear of their spouse getting angry keeps people from confronting something that is very wrong and needs to change. The spouse in the wrong is using anger to avoid the conversation, and it’s very much intentional. It might not have started that way, but when they learned their anger meant they could keep the issue at bay, it became their go-to tactic. Doing that is not just wrong, it’s abusive.
Once fear of anger has taken hold, it’s difficult to move forward. If you try to push past the anger, your spouse will probably escalate their anger to keep you in control. You will most likely need help to make progress. At the very least, you will need encouragement to get past your fear and confront your spouse. Getting your spouse to a third party is the best option, but they will likely refuse. That leaves you with two choices: live with it or give an ultimatum. I’ll cover these options on Saturday.
~ This is Paul, and fear derails Doing Marriage Well.
The new strawberry beds are looking good.
Lost a few over the winter, but they throw off new ones like crazy, so we can fill in.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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